Randomness

Don't ask me why I chose this picture, I have no clue.  I just like it.  I was driving through Southern Utah and saw it and said to myself, "Self that rock formation looks like a grumpy face you should take a picture of it." So I did.

Anyway, what a month this has been for my family yet again.  I hate it.  I can't stand the roller coaster my life has been on and it doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.  At least for now it seems to have plateaued for a while, sadly that is because David has once again found himself in jail and I don't have to deal with it all.  That sounds harsh I know, but the distance is giving me time to reflect and figure out where I want to go from here.  I haven't figured out where that is yet, but I will I am sure eventually.

People keep asking me what I want.  My answer of "I don't know" doesn't seem to satisfy them and they continue to give me their advice of what they would do if they were me.  I don't understand how advice like that works, because no one else is me nor have they been in this situation.  I do not ask their advice, they just offer it and hope I will take it (with the exception of certain people that reserve advice for when I ask for it - I love those people).  When/If I don't take their advice I get hounded and hounded to know why and to try to convince me that they know better than I do since they have never been in the situation and only know bits of what is really happening.  :)  I know their intent is good, but seriously I am 31 and can figure this out on my own (with the help of my highly skilled team of student therapists and their advisers at the U). 

Well, I guess I will update this again when I get things worked out.

Not what I had planned

This is not how I expected my life to turn out.  No where close.  It seems like the more that I do to better myself the worse things turn out.  Most everyone knows of my issues with David, it isn't a secret at all, but honestly I thought the worst was over and we were on the home stretch....at least until Wednesday and all the walls came tumbling down again.  We have both been stressed about things, and even though it was taking it's toll, we seemed to be fine....I guess I was wrong. One argument and my world is up side down....and it hasn't stopped there.  Everything seems to be snowballing faster than I can wrap my mind around.  I don't know what is going to happen or how it is all going to work out....but one day somehow it must.

Where has the year gone?

This year started off really hard for our family.  After being maliciously attacked by a family member (set on destroying others happiness at the time) I suffered a miscarriage.  I hadn't been trying to get pregnant at that point, I was on birth control because of the other things going on in my life, but still it happened and I was thrilled.  The thrill was short lived and I suffered it alone through the holiday season, not wanting to dampen anyone's joy.  It is amazing how one person's actions can cause a body so much stress it shuts down, completely.  Now I am not blaming my stress just on this one person, God knows my marriage hasn't been anything to write poetry about, but this was just the final straw.  I have tried to gather back the pieces of my faith in people and "let it go" not for their sake at all, but for mine.  And not because anyone else thinks I should, but because I am sick of living this way.  I have been in a therapy called IRT for almost 2 years now.  Intrapersonal reconstructive therapy.  It is in development up at the U of U and man do they make you work.  I have drudged up feelings and emotions long buried and figured out how "rules" I "learned" when I was younger are still determining my actions today.  No, I am not trying to say I am messed up because I had a crappy childhood or anything, I have just been on auto-pilot for years.   I have let things that go against my personal sense of integrity control my life because that is what I have always done. 

Well, now 1/4 way through the year things are taking another header.  I don't know what this means for my life, but I am glad I have some tools to help me figure out what and who I am and how I want to live. 

Putting it on a shelf and taking the upper road.

For my entire life I have been told to take things that bother me and put them in a jar and on the shelf....not to be dealt with later, but to ignore and then to "take the upper road" by "doing the right thing" in non-response.  But has anyone ever wondered what happens when the shelf is full, or the things on them are too heavy and the shelves crumble?  A person really can only handle so much, and there is only so much room to build shelves and only so much room on those shelves and when they are full, if you try to add more everything comes tumbling down at once.  Welcome to my life.  For me, I tend to have shelves for each person or situation I am dealing with....one for school and work, one for David, friends, and shelves for members of my family....sometimes they overlap when space is limited, but I really do try to keep them separate.  My biggest problem lies when I am trying to shelve crap from one person and haven't noticed that their shelf is full so....snap....the shelf breaks and it all comes crashing down.  Sometimes they think that I am crashing over the last little thing I am trying to shelf...that couldn't be farther from the truth, it is the accumulation of everything.

And so when a conflict does arise, and I feel threatened, hurt, betrayed, and angry I am supposed to take the upper road, and not my version of the upper road, the version someone else thinks is right.  Well honestly, who can tell me what is the "upper road" thing to do when they haven't been in my shoes?  How can someone say that it isn't the upper road to do what I can to protect myself and my family?  It has been called "retaliation" and "sinking down to their level" and frankly I don't get it.  People's actions have consequences and sometimes they hurt people they weren't intending to while hurting the people they were trying too....don't blame the target for the fallout is all I can say.

My shelf broke this week when I tried to add something tiny to it and the person that has always tried their best to hurt me, hurt those that helped her in the process and is blaming me for it....since natural consequences of their actions occurred I am accused of not taking the high road....really?  Maybe those people shouldn't have misused their positions thinking they would be safe....play with fire get burned end of story.

Hope Hiding

As most of you know this week has been crappy for me. I haven't really said why, except to close friends and family, and I won't except to close few. I am not perfect, I have never pretended to be and I am the first to admit my own faults. I don't try to minimize my own wrongdoings by making others look bad, it is childish and hateful, and I don't want to be consumed with those feelings. What has been said about, published about me, hurt me to the core. It seems the more I ignore it the more it shows up, but I guess that is my cross to bear. I have enough confidence in my friends and family that they will recognize the source and ignore it as it should be, but it hurts all the same. As I was struggling with the feelings I have felt over this, I clicked to read a friend's blog, I never got around to the reading of it because of the song that was playing in the background "Hope Hiding" by Michael McLean. Michael McLean is an LDS artist but you don't have to even believe in God to have his songs speak to you. It really is just a simple song...a simple song that can mean the world when you need to hear the words like I did. It is amazing to me how the answers come when you are ready to hear them. You can select this song from my playlist if you want to listen to it.

"Whatever you do don't look down, that's all the advice they can give.
But you keep looking down cause you think that's where everything is
Its harder to see things can change that night can be conquered at dawn
cause the darkness you feel is unbearably real and strong
Its just how it goes, no matter what you do, the way through the fog has been hidden from view

But around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair
There is hope hiding there.

You might think its strange hope would hide
it seems like a cowardly deed
but its saving it's power for your desperate hour of need
and all of that strength and good it can do awaits being found, safe and sound just for you

Around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair
There is hope hiding there.

And ears cannot hear it
and eyes cannot see
but hearts all draw near it if they choose to be

Around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair
yes around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair

THERE IS HOPE HIDING THERE"

Wow, it's been months since I blogged.

I just realized it had been forever since I had blogged. I have done a lot on facebook, but not here. Ooops. Well these last 6 months has been a trip, just as life should be.

Hayden, as always, has been the joy of my life. He is such a hoot. I love watching him grow up. He has turned into such a little man.

David and I are approaching the 2 year mark...wow the time does fly. Things are far from perfect, but if it were perfect wouldn't it be boring?

My parents are doing great. My dad has retired (although when I call he is somehow @ work...so I am confused) and they have taken a calling at the Draper Utah Temple. They love it.

Brandon and Summer (my brother and sister-in-law) are now on baby 5. Another boy. I am so excited for them. My niece Tarryn wanted a little sister so much, but this way she gets to stay the only princess of the family.

Brittany and Zane (my sister and brother-in-law) are just that. They have had some people move in and out of their home several times....but nothing new has really happened with them.

Scott (my other brother) is still living in Idaho for the time being. I believe he is planning on coming home soon, we will keep our fingers crossed...with all these boys (4 nephews and counting) we need another uncle to keep them occupied and with Tarryn quickly growing up and turning into a real beauty, Brandon will need help as bodygaurd.

I will get into more details soon...but I am tired this morning and my little brain refuses to function.

XOXO

Neighborhood Bliss.

I found this picture on a friend's FACEBOOK page after this little incident happened and think I need to buy one and hang it on my door.

People need to realize that if you live by people you will at times hear them or thier pets. If you don't want to be disturbed, live in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, I have dogs. Yes, they go outside. But I do not let them out when I am not home and as soon as they start barking I bring them inside. I know my neighbors have kids...we share a driveway after all. I know that when their kids are playing outside that it can become annoying to hear my dogs barking, but come on, calling the police? That is taking things a little far isn't it? But I am honestly not surprised. These are the same neighbors that I go to church with, and since August, when David had some issues, will not speak to us hardly at all. The same neighbors that take their kids inside if my son comes out to play and David is home. Most neighbors would just call me and ask me to bring them in because their kids are asleep and the windows are open, or let me know. But not these neighbors...these neighbors wait until my son has had his tonsils out and I am trying to tend to him, while he is screaming in pain (and no the screaming didn't help the pain and yes the windows were open so they knew I was dealing with something else) to call the police because my dogs are barking (Do you think I can call the police when their kids are screaming in the driveway and Hayden is napping?). Like I need anymore police called to my home. They know what is going on and they still try to rub in in that they are better than I am....like Sunday, the day after the police were called because my dog barked for 3 minutes before I could get to them, they said as I was outside playing with Hayden... "We missed you guys in church today." To which I replied..."well, since my dogs need time to play I stayed home to give them time where they wouldn't be a bother to you...and by the way, your mom almost got towed yesterday, but I ran over and had her move her car before she did." (I have since bought bark collars for my dogs, it is less expensive than a ticket for "Barking Nuisance) Then I smiled and went inside.

Do it yourself or bust.

So, I have taken on the overwhelming task of making my home look like new, even though it is almost 6 years old I think. This all happened when Hayden was playing on the floor in the living room and blended in. The carpet was disgusting. After looking at the carpet under my couch to make sure it wasn't just me, I was shocked...The carpet that had never seen daylight was a nice creamy beige color, the carpet that we all could see was well, here it was pink, there it was black, over there it was an indiscernible color, etc. After talking to my husband, we decided that it was time to replace it. His birthday is this week and we thought we could use the money he gets from my parents, his parents, and me and put it towards *NEW* carpet. This was the choice that caused my downfall. We picked out a nice dark brown *chestnut* carpet, it was my bishop's suggestion, he does carpet. It is lovely. After the price quote David and I thought it would be best to pull out the old carpet ourselves and save some money. Well, I had wanted new paint downstairs since I had moved in, and when we had no carpet...or were trashing what we had, I thought it was the perfect time to paint. But what color(s)? I have red and orange decorations, a sage green couch, black furniture, light sage speckled counters, and a white mantle. This made for an interesting task of picking a color to match everything and I don't like plain at all, so I had to find several colors that coordinated with all those things as well as each other, YA ME! The hardest color to find was red, I wanted an accent wall in red to match my red bathroom, but after 6 places I couldn't find one so I gave up for now. I also was having a hard time finding paint that was neutral and fun. I went to all the regular places and then took a friend's advice and went to Restoration Hardware in Trolley Square. There I picked Sycamore Grove (green) for the kitchen and the wall leading out of the kitchen into the living room and Saffron (a yellow with brown tones) in the rest of the living room and entry way. I did eventually find a red for the fireplace wall, and after 6 coats it looked good.

Well, as I am sure all of you with children can sympathize, painting with a toddler is not an easy task. I tried to keep Hayden occupied as best I could, I hired babysitters and played the TV non stop, but this only worked on the even minutes. While I was painting the wall red, Hayden announced that he wanted to help me. I gave him a toy bucket and duster and told him to paint the green wall again. He was excited and I thought occupied for a while, so I let all my attention focus on the wall. Well, I looked up to find all my outlets untapped and painted bright red. Yikes. I tried to peel off the paint, but on a standard light switch it was impossible. This gave me a new idea, I always wanted the sleeker smooth switches, so I decided to go to Home Depot and buy some to do myself. This would save money I was sure. So 16 trips and 18 hours later, I have 2 switches wired right. 2 out of 10. 1/5th. I am under the impression that the builder had no clue what he was doing, because all the switches are wired a different way. I wonder how this house passed code. LOL. Well, when David get's home from work I will have him sit in the basement and flick the breaker on and off after each switch, that will save me time from running up and down stairs. UGH I need a vacation.

I cannot wait until Wednesday when I get new carpet and can put my living room back together completely, this place is a mess. Two more days...I can do it. Since it will take me that long to finish it all.

I just don't know what I am going to do after I get all of this done.

All By Myself & Mommy's Little Helper

Hayden has a new favorite phrase.
"I do it all by myself." He says this at everything,
"Hayden do you need to go potty?" "Yes, but I do it all by myself."
"Do you want to go to grandma's?" "I do it all by myself."
Of coarse I can't let him do that all by himself,
but he does get to walk up to the door by himself.

Today as I was sitting at the computer Hayden was playing in the backyard. Since we have a small backyard and the computer is by the window I don't mind letting my "Spiderman" child play outside alone. We also have the gate padlocked, not so no one can get in (although that is a bonus), but so Hayden won't just up and walk away. He has done this, the gate latch is higher than he can reach, but he has found ways to get to it (hence the name spiderman).
I watched him drive his car up and down our little hill over and over and he proudly stated that he can do it, "all by myself".
A few moments later he was out of sight doing something else.
Since it is now spring, I have been doing some yard work, mostly planting new grass seed in the holes the dogs have dug up. I had left the bag of dirt and grass seeds out and sealed by the fence he was playing by. Now and again he would come over and yell through the window, "I did it!" "I want to do it again!" Now, although I know my child way to well to ever say this I did it anyway, "Wow, kiddo good job, do it again." After a few times of this I decided to go see what he was doing. To my surprise my 3 year old son had untied the bags of dirt and seeds and filled in several holes just like I had done a few days ago. He had used correct amounts of dirt and seeds and watered them from the dog bowls. How proud I was of my little helper. When saw this he said proudly,
"Mommy, look. I helped you, and I did it ALL BY MYSELF."

Haydenisms

"Um Sure" said in response to most anything when I ask him if he wants something.

"That's right mommy?" said when he confirms what we are doing ..ie.. "Hold mommy's hand in the parking lot, that's right mommy?"

"Say OK Hayden!" said when he asks me to do something he wants to do, most often I can't get him to repeat what he wants but he is always insistent that I say "Ok Hayden."

Funny story...may make some people feel embarrassed read at own risk****


So, one of Hayden's favorite activities is to play horsey on daddy's back. That is all innocent enough, but one day it caused some trouble.

David and I were participating in some quick fun of our own while Hayden was playing in his toy room. We closed the door and made sure we were covered under blankets in case the door were to open. Well mid fun we hear "Horsey!!" and in seconds, to my horror, Hayden was on David's back laughing and tickling him. To my great relief Hayden left without seeing anything he shouldn't and I left completely mortified.

Time to catch up

Well, it's been about three months since I last blogged. I am a slacker I know. A lot has been going on so there is a lot to catch up on.

Hayden was a dragon for Halloween. When it was time to wear his costume to school he didn't want to so he and Corban switched for the day. But for trick-or-treating they were in the right costumes.

Thanksgiving at Hayden's school was a blast. He got to wear a pilgrim's hat and they had a feast. Hayden has learned a lot this year in school and is talking more and more. He loves to be the center of attention. He has gone through 4 pair of gloves and 6 hats at school. It takes them a long time to get put into the lost and found so we have to keep replacing them.










Hayden made his very first Gingerbread House this year. It was quite the mess and very entertaining watching my 3 year old and his daddy fight over who got to do what. Santa was good to Hayden this year. He got a race track, a lot of cars, and a scooter.

Oh to be 3

Hayden is your normal everyday three year old. He loves his trains, rocket, and Dora. He is a joy to be around, even when he does things like "crashing the car" making daddy have to go save him in his pjs :) (Glad daddy was home)

He does have his moments though. His new favorite thing to say is "stop takin to me!" He uses this when he is not getting his way or when he is upset and you ask him what is wrong or offer to help. Another new thing of his is to play like he can't/doesn't hear you. We were driving home from family dinner on Sunday and I was talking to Hayden who, wasn't responding. I looked in the mirror and he has this little grin and is look away with his eyes pretending he can't hear or see me. Everyday is full of new adventures with this one. I just hope I can keep up.

Marriage Protection

There are a lot of laws being proposed to "protect" marriage. Protect it from what? The laws want to protect it in such a way to make it just between a man and a woman. That is all fine and good. But what bout protecting the marriages that are already there? Divorce has become so easy in this day and age. File online, no-contest divorce, waive the reconciliation period etc. There are laws that make the destruction of marriage so simple. Almost takes the heartbreak out of it.

I am not saying that people shouldn't be able to get divorced. It is a choice and sometimes needed. In Utah, all that is required before divorce is ONE mediation/counseling session to see if things can be worked out. Do people get along for 1 hour and chose to get married? If not then why can they end it so quickly? I know a lot leads up to getting people to that point, the point where it is easier not to care, but shouldn't there be an all out last ditch effort to avoid it?

My marriage is crap. That isn't news to anyone that is reading this. I am not writing to blame either side for this, it does take two, but it is also supposed to be a relationship where both give 100% 99% of the time. Everyone has times where they need their partner to make up a little bit of the difference but the majority of the time it is even. I also realize that 100% is different for everyone, we all have our weaknesses and shortcomings, but we need to not use those as a reason to minimize what our 100% honestly is.

Yesterday Summer watched Hayden for me (yet again) while I did some stuff for church and went to yet another interview. On one of the many times I went to her house to pick up or drop off my son she told me about a movie she saw last week. The movie is called "Fireproof" and is a low budget christian film. She told me that she would watch Hayden "on the house" if I would go see it with David...I was upset at him at the moment and said that I might just go then, while he was at work, not realizing what the movie was all about. She kindly corrected me and said I should go with him and told me the movie was about a one late ditch effort, putting it all out there, to save the biggest promise of all. A man and his wife were wanting a divorce and his father asked him to put things off for 40 days and do a dare. The dare came in the form of a book called the "Love Dare" (which you can buy at Barnes and Noble) and would take the husband 40 days to complete. Granted he could only control his actions. His wife's choices were out of his control, but he needed to dive into this dare with all he had. The first few days he was in it 1/2 assed (pardon my french) and the rest is in the movie....go watch it.

I called David and we met up at Chili's for dinner. I ran to Barnes and Noble to get the book and a journal on my way, and he kept pestering me about what I bought. I didn't tell him anything more than a vague "a book." As we talked over dinner, I told him I was done. I couldn't keep living like this. It wasn't right and wasn't fair. HE needed to change and hadn't. HE kept lying to me. I got the same response I have received from him for the past year, "things will work out." We went to the movie.

I cried the whole way through. I hadn't just experienced the same frustrations, feelings, and temptations shown in the movie, I am in the middle of them all. At first he put his hand on my leg for "comfort" and gave me the "oh poor baby" look, but as the movie went on and I was crying more and withdrawing from him more because all the feelings were on my sleeve he held on tighter.

We got home and I kept the book in the bag and placed it under the bed. I was going to wait til today to start. I still feel he is the one that has harmed this relationship the most, but this isn't about him, it's about me. Well, I woke up this morning and the book wasn't in the bag. I looked everywhere. I finally found it on his nightstand.

We talked for a minute this morning before he went to work, he read a little bit of it. I asked him if he wanted me to get another copy because you are supposed to write your feelings each day in it...he laughed and asked "When have you known me to write down my feelings." I had a snide comment for him, but as Day 1 of the dare instructs....

Day One~ Say noting negative. If the temptation arises, say nothing at all. It is better to hold your tongue than to say something you will regret later.

So I did. I do not know if this will work. I actually don't have much faith in anything at the moment, but if nothing else, I am sure I will learn something new.

I think everyone should should read this book and try it. It can't hurt anything that is for sure.

Bail Out.

David was bailed out by his parents on Halloween night, and after a never-ending weekend apart, we got the no-contact orders removed the following Monday so David could come home.  We had court yesterday, and after waiting for 5 hours David's attorney finally showed up (the actual attorney was ill and had a replacement come in) and asked for a simple continuance.  During this process the Prosecution asked for the no-contact order to stand (guess someone forgot to tell both the judge and the prosecutor that it had been lifted by them) and we had to wait almost another hour to talk to the judge again to get it modified so David could be home.

Ok so I know this is a jumble, but I will write more later  :P

To wait or not to wait

So, David is in jail. It seems like he has been there forever somedays and the next day it seems like just yesterday. Well, now we need to decide if we wait it out until court or make bail. If we wait then all this time counts as time served if he gets sentenced to jail for a while...but we don't know what will happen. The attorney wants to try to get this into mental health court due to the situation, but all that does (according to what I have read in the UT law code) is send him to the state mental hospital until he is stable enough to finish a sentence in jail etc. So really, what good would that do since he spent 7ish weeks in a mental hospital before going to jail? I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants him out so we can spend some time together before he goes "back" to jail, if he goes back, and part of me wants to keep him there because I think it will be harder to send him back if that is what happens. I know that he wants to get out, get a job, and look functional, but I don't know how much good that will do.

Today has been a bad day for me. I am having a hard time with everything. I never thought that I would hate being alone. I have always thrived alone, but now, all I want is for things to be the way they were. I am the type that would cut my losses and let him figure it out on his own. The point that I would normally call enough enough and leave has past, and for some reason I can't let him go. I don't know what it is this time. Maybe it is that the longer David is gone the more that Hayden asks for him. Hayden had a hard time even wanting to hear David's name a few weeks ago and now he is mad that Daddy isn't at the zoo and that we can't see Daddy at the doctor's office (what we called UNI) anymore. It is hard to see him not be able to understand, and now, eight weeks after daddy left mommy is working umpteen hours a day and he is sleeping more nights away from home than at home (and yes he is back in my bed when he is at home).

To David

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
You make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play

We - should have the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change

I, oh I,
I wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
As if we could last forever

Love remains the same
Love remains the same

My Next Thirty Years

OK~ So I have never been much of a country music fan. I actually only started listening to it when I was dating David, and even then it was only when I had too. Well, for some reason as I was driving home today my finger clicked to that little used preset button and on came country hits. Maybe I was feeling nostalgic, maybe I am missing David more than I give myself credit for, or maybe I wanted to hear people singing about how much their lives suck too...who knows. Well, as I was listening this song came on and I thought, gee, this is for me....


MY NEXT THIRTY YEARS
I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

A toddler

Tell me if this sounds like anyone you know?

The Toddler's Creed If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is folded, I must unfold it. If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed. If it has leaves, they must be picked. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is not trash, it must be thrown away. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled. If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table. If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon. If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead. If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried. If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone. If it is paper, it must be torn. If it has buttons, they must be pressed. If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon. If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth. If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force. If it is a phone, I must talk to it. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is food, it must not be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water. If it is a carseat, it must be protested with an arched back. If it is Mommy (or Daddy), it must be hugged. I am toddler! If I want it, it's mine. If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine. If I can take it away from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what. If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

Far From Here

It's sort of like "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", but it's just a little bit more insightful. Far from here we are happy. Away from all this disarray it is where we want to be, what we want to find...but it is there and the "there" in right where we are if we look hard enough. Clear out the clutter and throw open the curtains of your mind to let the light in. The light, the good, the pure, the peaceful. Pull yourself out of the here that has you so overwhelmed that you feel like there is no way out, tear a hole into the darkness and let some light shine. Far From Here, isn't that far away at all.



Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it

Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear

Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangles
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream

Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe

Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm


Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

I'll see you there

Three is so much worse than thirty...

Yes, you read that right. Three. Hayden turned three today. How in the world did I let that happen? I still call him my baby, he can't be three!!! But, he is and he is all grins about it. I have missed so much of his little life by having to work esp lately that it kills me to get to this point. I am bitter at David for sticking me in this situation where I have to miss things when he had promised me when we got married that I would never have to miss another moment of Hayden's life by working, unless I wanted to. What mother in her right mind wants her child raised by someone else? Granted I like the person doing the serrogate raising, but that isn't the point. I do not get to be there to send him off to school in the mornings this year, I do not get to pick him up, I don't even get to be there for his birthday spotlight at school. Really what good am I to him when I miss it all? When I can't be there when he wants to sleep at mommy's house? It kills me to have to tell him that mommy can't be there because she has to work or she has to go visit daddy in jail (since he is no longer at the doctor's). And how do I tell my three year old that even though he said please so nice he can't go with mommy to see daddy this time?

But even with all of this he still laughs at me. Yesterday we were laying in bed together (yes he is back in bed with mommy), and I asked him where Daddy would sleep when he got home (yes, I know it is an if, but this works). He thought about it for a minute and said,

"I dunno."
"Well, can he sleep in mommy's room?"
"Um, no. Hayden sleep in mommy's room. And mommy sleep in mommy's room. Daddy no sleep here."
"Well, can he sleep in Hayden's room?"
"No, mommy. (Sigh) That Hayden's room."
"Well then where can he sleep?"
"Downstairs...on green couch. Okay Mommy?!? Good, daddy sleep on green couch."

I started to laugh and then he started to laugh and we got up for the day. Today, he woke up, turned on the lights and started to giggle. Since I was "still asleep", he started to hush himself. Then he would giggle more. So I did what any mommy would do when she hasn't slept in weeks...I grabbed his toes and started tickling him, then I fell over "dead". He crept over to me and kissed me, I said up, he demanded that I die again, and he kissed me again and yelled "WAKE UP MOM-ME!" When Hayden is demanding something he always emphasizes each syllable of mommy, making into two words, its really cute.

Well I wanted to write more about him, and I have a letter for him, but it is 11:00 and I am tired. So I think I will go see if he is still in bed with his green playdough and maybe sleep alone in my bed. :)