This year started off really hard for our family. After being maliciously attacked by a family member (set on destroying others happiness at the time) I suffered a miscarriage. I hadn't been trying to get pregnant at that point, I was on birth control because of the other things going on in my life, but still it happened and I was thrilled. The thrill was short lived and I suffered it alone through the holiday season, not wanting to dampen anyone's joy. It is amazing how one person's actions can cause a body so much stress it shuts down, completely. Now I am not blaming my stress just on this one person, God knows my marriage hasn't been anything to write poetry about, but this was just the final straw. I have tried to gather back the pieces of my faith in people and "let it go" not for their sake at all, but for mine. And not because anyone else thinks I should, but because I am sick of living this way. I have been in a therapy called IRT for almost 2 years now. Intrapersonal reconstructive therapy. It is in development up at the U of U and man do they make you work. I have drudged up feelings and emotions long buried and figured out how "rules" I "learned" when I was younger are still determining my actions today. No, I am not trying to say I am messed up because I had a crappy childhood or anything, I have just been on auto-pilot for years. I have let things that go against my personal sense of integrity control my life because that is what I have always done.
Well, now 1/4 way through the year things are taking another header. I don't know what this means for my life, but I am glad I have some tools to help me figure out what and who I am and how I want to live.
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