Randomness

Don't ask me why I chose this picture, I have no clue.  I just like it.  I was driving through Southern Utah and saw it and said to myself, "Self that rock formation looks like a grumpy face you should take a picture of it." So I did.

Anyway, what a month this has been for my family yet again.  I hate it.  I can't stand the roller coaster my life has been on and it doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.  At least for now it seems to have plateaued for a while, sadly that is because David has once again found himself in jail and I don't have to deal with it all.  That sounds harsh I know, but the distance is giving me time to reflect and figure out where I want to go from here.  I haven't figured out where that is yet, but I will I am sure eventually.

People keep asking me what I want.  My answer of "I don't know" doesn't seem to satisfy them and they continue to give me their advice of what they would do if they were me.  I don't understand how advice like that works, because no one else is me nor have they been in this situation.  I do not ask their advice, they just offer it and hope I will take it (with the exception of certain people that reserve advice for when I ask for it - I love those people).  When/If I don't take their advice I get hounded and hounded to know why and to try to convince me that they know better than I do since they have never been in the situation and only know bits of what is really happening.  :)  I know their intent is good, but seriously I am 31 and can figure this out on my own (with the help of my highly skilled team of student therapists and their advisers at the U). 

Well, I guess I will update this again when I get things worked out.

Not what I had planned

This is not how I expected my life to turn out.  No where close.  It seems like the more that I do to better myself the worse things turn out.  Most everyone knows of my issues with David, it isn't a secret at all, but honestly I thought the worst was over and we were on the home stretch....at least until Wednesday and all the walls came tumbling down again.  We have both been stressed about things, and even though it was taking it's toll, we seemed to be fine....I guess I was wrong. One argument and my world is up side down....and it hasn't stopped there.  Everything seems to be snowballing faster than I can wrap my mind around.  I don't know what is going to happen or how it is all going to work out....but one day somehow it must.

Where has the year gone?

This year started off really hard for our family.  After being maliciously attacked by a family member (set on destroying others happiness at the time) I suffered a miscarriage.  I hadn't been trying to get pregnant at that point, I was on birth control because of the other things going on in my life, but still it happened and I was thrilled.  The thrill was short lived and I suffered it alone through the holiday season, not wanting to dampen anyone's joy.  It is amazing how one person's actions can cause a body so much stress it shuts down, completely.  Now I am not blaming my stress just on this one person, God knows my marriage hasn't been anything to write poetry about, but this was just the final straw.  I have tried to gather back the pieces of my faith in people and "let it go" not for their sake at all, but for mine.  And not because anyone else thinks I should, but because I am sick of living this way.  I have been in a therapy called IRT for almost 2 years now.  Intrapersonal reconstructive therapy.  It is in development up at the U of U and man do they make you work.  I have drudged up feelings and emotions long buried and figured out how "rules" I "learned" when I was younger are still determining my actions today.  No, I am not trying to say I am messed up because I had a crappy childhood or anything, I have just been on auto-pilot for years.   I have let things that go against my personal sense of integrity control my life because that is what I have always done. 

Well, now 1/4 way through the year things are taking another header.  I don't know what this means for my life, but I am glad I have some tools to help me figure out what and who I am and how I want to live.