I will choose.

So, they found him, or he turned himself in...not quite sure yet. Either way he has been taken to a hospital to get some help. So, do you leave your spouse when they are sick? Do you realize that he was given advice from doctors and took it, so he isn't fully to blame, and wait to see if they can get the "right" mix? Do you choose what you will do, before you hear what he wants to do? Whatever it is, I have faith that I can make the right choice for Hayden and I. I know David has some say, he might not like what I choose, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it. In the mean time, all I need is your love, your support, and your prayers. I may bounce my thoughts off of you but please remember I will ask for advise when I want it. Just pray that I can listen to the truth in my heart and have the spirit guide me. I got into this for the long haul. I know my husband is sick, and I know it can be dangerous...but at this point after what has happened, we will have a while apart before I have to figure it out.

Let them be little.

3 Years ago I was still pregnant with Hayden. Wishing day after day that the time would fly by faster. That my due date would get here and I could get on with things. Why didn't I realize that time goes by too fast as it is? Hayden starts pre-school tomorrow. He is ready, but am I? I know I'm not. I cried on Friday when we went to meet his teacher. We walk in and he says to me,

"Bye mommy, go away, go home now."

No tears, no begging for me to stay or take him home with me. Not my son, no, he tells me that it is ok for me to leave. This wasn't what is was supposed to be like. Aren't I supposed to feel guilty leaving my son crying for me as I walk away?

What happened to my little boy? My binkie baby? Why didn't I realize that this day was so soon in April when I signed him up for this? What was I thinking? I should have said, "no, I won't send my baby to school. He is too little." But he isn't too little. He will be 3 in a few short weeks. As he stands now he is 40" and 35#. Hayden hasn't been my baby boy for quite some time. But now, now is different. Now he lets me know he isn't a baby any more.

"MOM!!! I went POOP. All by myself"
"Good job baby."
"No, mom. I not baby. I grandma's big guy.
Go to store and get train now, k?"

And he is right. He isn't a baby anymore, but he is my baby, my only baby. So what do I do now that my baby is grown up? Now that he doesn't have to have me help him go to the bathroom, get dressed all the way, or even buckle his seatbelt. For the past 3 years I have had to be there every minute. I have introduced myself as Hayden's mommy, that is what I am. That is all I know now and all that I want to know. I know that he isn't leaving the nest quite yet, but this is it. This is the first real marker of that. I know everyday prepares them for this day, but what prepares us? I know they say it gets easier with each one, but what about when this is the only one and you know you don't get to do this again? There is no learning curve. So as I look back on all the things I should have done to get him to this point but didn't because, when he started to get big I realized this was coming too soon, I froze and wanted my big guy to be little again. I rushed to have him grow up fast when he was itsy and now that when he did I stopped pushing because I wanted him to be my baby forever. I am hoping that tomorrow never comes and we can skip to tuesday and completely miss the first day of "I a big guy" forever since day two isn't quite as hard as day one. Can I skip it?

So those of you that have little ones that are on thier way to this dreaded wonderful step of their little lives, remember you only have such a little amount of time with them to be little, so as the song says,

"Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle, oh but let them be little."

Too big

Here is Hayden helping mommy plant some grass seeds. His new favorite phase is "I too big", which he starts off by saying "I DO IT". I think he figured this out because I would tell him he is too little to do things, so now he has decided that he is TOO BIG. Gotta love toddler logic.

WONDERFUL

WONDERFUL!

This is the new phase of the month that I get to hear 9 million times a day. I blame Grandma, she told Hayden something was "wonderful" once and now everything is "wonderful". And I mean everything.

"Mom, you cookin?" "Yes kiddio, I cookin." "Wonderful"
"Mom?" "Yeah buddy?" "Sun goin' night night?" "Yep, the sun is going night night." "Wonderful...Hayden no go night night k?" :)

It is so nice that everything to a two year old is so wonderful. Why can't it be that way for all of us? Hayden can find something wonderful no matter what the situation is.

"TV broken?" "Yep, buddy it's broken" "Ok...go play trains?" Yeah, let's go play trains." "Wonderful, tv broken go play trains."

Ok, so the TV wasn't really broken, the connection was just fuzzy, and the sun doesn't really go to sleep, but that isn't the point really. The point is that a two year old will make any situation wonderful for himself and others too...

"What happened? Mommy cryin?"
"Nope mommy is just frustrated"
"Mommy sad?"
"Yeah, mommy sad."
To this remark get a huge kiss and hug and hear
"Mommy no sad, mommy happy."
It isn't so much a question as a command, Mommy will be happy.
"Yes, kiddio, mommy happy. You are here how could I be sad."
"Wonderful, see."

Goodbye to a good friend

We have found a new home for our dog Draco. He is just too big for such a small house and deserves a lot better. His new family has a 1/3 acre lot and a 4000 sq ft home for him to roam in. They want him to be an inside dog which is good. We got Draco a year or so ago and have loved every minute with him. I have never seen a better dog but I know this is for the best. We love you Draco.