Far From Here

It's sort of like "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", but it's just a little bit more insightful. Far from here we are happy. Away from all this disarray it is where we want to be, what we want to find...but it is there and the "there" in right where we are if we look hard enough. Clear out the clutter and throw open the curtains of your mind to let the light in. The light, the good, the pure, the peaceful. Pull yourself out of the here that has you so overwhelmed that you feel like there is no way out, tear a hole into the darkness and let some light shine. Far From Here, isn't that far away at all.



Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it

Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear

Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangles
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream

Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe

Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm


Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

I'll see you there

Three is so much worse than thirty...

Yes, you read that right. Three. Hayden turned three today. How in the world did I let that happen? I still call him my baby, he can't be three!!! But, he is and he is all grins about it. I have missed so much of his little life by having to work esp lately that it kills me to get to this point. I am bitter at David for sticking me in this situation where I have to miss things when he had promised me when we got married that I would never have to miss another moment of Hayden's life by working, unless I wanted to. What mother in her right mind wants her child raised by someone else? Granted I like the person doing the serrogate raising, but that isn't the point. I do not get to be there to send him off to school in the mornings this year, I do not get to pick him up, I don't even get to be there for his birthday spotlight at school. Really what good am I to him when I miss it all? When I can't be there when he wants to sleep at mommy's house? It kills me to have to tell him that mommy can't be there because she has to work or she has to go visit daddy in jail (since he is no longer at the doctor's). And how do I tell my three year old that even though he said please so nice he can't go with mommy to see daddy this time?

But even with all of this he still laughs at me. Yesterday we were laying in bed together (yes he is back in bed with mommy), and I asked him where Daddy would sleep when he got home (yes, I know it is an if, but this works). He thought about it for a minute and said,

"I dunno."
"Well, can he sleep in mommy's room?"
"Um, no. Hayden sleep in mommy's room. And mommy sleep in mommy's room. Daddy no sleep here."
"Well, can he sleep in Hayden's room?"
"No, mommy. (Sigh) That Hayden's room."
"Well then where can he sleep?"
"Downstairs...on green couch. Okay Mommy?!? Good, daddy sleep on green couch."

I started to laugh and then he started to laugh and we got up for the day. Today, he woke up, turned on the lights and started to giggle. Since I was "still asleep", he started to hush himself. Then he would giggle more. So I did what any mommy would do when she hasn't slept in weeks...I grabbed his toes and started tickling him, then I fell over "dead". He crept over to me and kissed me, I said up, he demanded that I die again, and he kissed me again and yelled "WAKE UP MOM-ME!" When Hayden is demanding something he always emphasizes each syllable of mommy, making into two words, its really cute.

Well I wanted to write more about him, and I have a letter for him, but it is 11:00 and I am tired. So I think I will go see if he is still in bed with his green playdough and maybe sleep alone in my bed. :)

Life goes on...

So, it turns out the best laid plans don't turn out sometimes. This is especially true when people don't think things all the way through. We had it all worked out, David would get discharged from the Community Treatment Center (CTP) after spending 7 weeks in various different psych hospitals and we would go together to meet the attorney I had found to help him with the pending charges. He talked to the staff last night and arranged for a ride home and things were fine. This morning I got a call from him saying that they wouldn't drive him home and he was raving about other random ways everyone had let him down. I was at work when he called me and after talking to my friend that works with me I called CTP and talked to the staff about picking him up and letting him bring me back to work and then he could make his appointments and all would be fine. I left work and drove to CTP. As I pulled into the parking lot there were 2 sheriff SUVs and I knew something was wrong and I knew it involved David. I went in to see the people I had talked to and was told that David was at the end of the hall talking with the psychiatrist and social workers. I asked if I could join them and they told me to wait. I was freaking out...I needed to go back to work and I didn't know what was going on. After a few moments the social worker came to talk to me. I guess (this is what the social worker told me), instead of waiting for the staff to figure out how to help him (they were going to let him stay until he met with his attorney and had to go to court) David figured he would call 911 and tell them he was suicidal...that way he would go to a hospital etc... and be fine. Well, what he didn't think about was the fact that when you call 911 the police show up and with 2 warrents out for his arrest he would be in trouble. To top that off the psychiatrist didn't fall for his temper tantrum and told that to the police. I waited outside for him to be taken out to the sheriff vehicals in hopes I could at least talk to him. As he was brought out he yelled, "Well, I guess I'll see you." at me and I asked the social worker to ask the sheriffs if I could speak to David. They were very nice and allowed me to meet with him outside the car (although one sheriff stood right there as I knew they would). David told me that the staff at CTP wouldn't listen to him and he did what he ahd to do. To the suprise of David and the sheriff, I told him that he didn't have to do that at all, he could have waited to talk to the people making the decisions or call me back, like he had said he would. I told him that this was a consequence of his rash choices and I would do what I could to get a hold of the attorney, but was making no promises. I asked if I could give him a hug goodbye and was granted my request...I appriciate the sheriff for that, that was well above and beyond what he had to do. After that I went back to work and tried to focus on other things. I hope that I can find out what time he will be at court and make it there so I can be there for him, but if not, it is his fault. I am certain the attorney would have made a time that worked for me to all go in together tomorrow...that was the plan, butI guess we will have to see. I am really glad that I have been meeting with my therapist, Molly, each week because I am finally learning some tools that actually keep me from needing so much therapy.

Well, I need to go to bed, I work at 5:45 a.m. YIKES!! Well, feel free to stop by the bakery and say hi. 33rd south and 30th east - northwest of REI back in the corner by the Flower box

Um I fixed it....We Survive

I love music. And when I find a song I esp love I have to track down the lyrics to see if I am really grasping it all, the message behind it. As I was reading one of Summer's blog posts a song called Wildfire came on the background of my blog. How appropriate that this song became the soundtrack to a post reminding me that there is more to life than what has gone wrong. More to life than what seems to be screaming out our insecurities, our failings, and our shortcomings. A post and a song that reminds me that "though I've been crushed, I've been killed I am scared, but God, I will keep on trudging up this crazy hill" and that "we survive." Always surviving.

Now, I just pasted these lyrics off the website so pardon the spelling errors, they aren't mine. But the song is Wildfire by Alissa Moreno and if you want to listen to the song while reading the words just scroll down and select it from the playlist.



every time you think you won't make it
and each time you're convinced
you can't take it
picture me in this light
think of me, you can fight
cause i've been chewed up and spit
i've been big, i've been hit
i've been burned but i have learned

that we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires

when you get the feeling that's
not in you
and all those times remind you of what you can't do
remember me, i've lost and loved
and i am not giving up

though i've been torn, i've been used
i've been fooled, i've abused
all my rights to living, but i'm alive

'cause we survive, we get by
we take those hits and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires
don't you put out

Wildfires

let them come, i'm going to let them take me
let them burn up everything
that's made me
'til the end, i swear, i'm never going to let them break me

though i've been crushed, i've been killed
i am scared, but god, i will
keep on trudging up this crazy hill

we survive, we get by
we take those hits
and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out
don't you put out

when there's no doubt how it's going to turn out
let them burn out,
let them burn out
dont' you out
never put out

Wildfires

Thirty...

Wow. I actually never thought it would get here, or at least not this fast. I had so much that I wanted to accomplish before this point in my life, so much I had wanted to do. I wanted to have a degree by now, I think that is my biggest regret, letting that slide. It wouldn't have been that hard either. I only have 15 credits to finish. That is only 5 classes, and had I not dropped out because I was twitterpaited, I would be done with that by now. Looking back I really don't have much to show for 30 years, that is why I was dreading today coming.

Why is it so much easier to see what we didn't accomplish than what we did? I am trying to scrapbook a page of me for Hayden's book and am having issues finding anything worth telling him, besides how much I love him and that I would be lost without him. As he turns 3 and I have just turned 30 I thought he might want to know what mom thought of life as of now. Maybe I should wait until I have a better outlook on life and then write something for him. Who knows?!?

Then again maybe not.

Ok, so yet again I was out smarted by my son. The very next day, (yesterday at bedtime) after my wonderful broken bed plan, Hayden comes up to me and says,

"Mommy's Room?"
"Nope, mommy's bed is broken."
"Nnnnooope is not."
"Yes, it is. So Hayden needs to sleep in Hayden's room."
at this my son shows me his toy tool box and says,
"Nope, mommy's bed not broken. I fixed it, see."

So, how do I reply to this? I was lost for words. I told him again that he needed to sleep in his room and continued to get him into bed. I put him down for the night (or so I thought) and then went downstairs to watch some TV. On a commercial break I go up to check on him. His room is exactly how I left it; lights off, music on low, and the door propped open just a touch with his stuffed Rhino. All is clear on the western front it would appear, but yet in the still quite of his room something was missing. I couldn't put a finger on it for a moment and then it hit me. WHAM! I don't hear him snoring...what to do?!? Do I risk checking on him because it might wake him? But what if he is suffocating (ok, no it's not like I leave plastic bags in his bed or anything, so it wasn't a realistic thought but hey I am a mom so leave me alone)? So I pushed the door open a crack and peer into his bed, fully expecting to see his little body sleeping soundly. I was wrong (I hate being wrong), he wasn't there. He had snuck out of his room, propped the door again so I wouldn't notice, and gone down the hall and climed into my bed. He was sleeping soundly. And no, (as if there were a doubt) I did not wake him and march his little bum back to his bed, I just curled up next to him and went off to sleep. Where is he tonight you might ask???asleep, in MOMMY'S ROOM.

Mommy's broken bed.

How is it that children can sleep almost anywhere and in any position and it takes me hours to get comfortable enough to maybe fall asleep?

It has been weeks since Hayden has gone to bed in his room without a fight. Most nights I have just given in and let him sleep with me (since David isn't here) and now he thinks if he is "good" instead of "naughty" he gets to sleep in mommy's room.

Well, that isn't quite working well, since I don't want him to think that sleeping in his room is a punishment. It should be a good thing right? I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked. Today while he was at school I started to fold the mountain of laundry that has been piled up since shortly after David went into the hospital. The folded clothes covered my bed and I didn't have time to put them away before I had to go get Hayden. Well, that was my out...mommy's bed is broken...broken meaning it cannot be slept in for any number of reasons. And wow, a broken bed is all it took. He went right down in his bed. No fight, no tears, no "please mommy's room...I be good, no naughty." Those all break my heart and I tend to give in.

I think mommy's bed will be broken for a long time to come.