To wait or not to wait

So, David is in jail. It seems like he has been there forever somedays and the next day it seems like just yesterday. Well, now we need to decide if we wait it out until court or make bail. If we wait then all this time counts as time served if he gets sentenced to jail for a while...but we don't know what will happen. The attorney wants to try to get this into mental health court due to the situation, but all that does (according to what I have read in the UT law code) is send him to the state mental hospital until he is stable enough to finish a sentence in jail etc. So really, what good would that do since he spent 7ish weeks in a mental hospital before going to jail? I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants him out so we can spend some time together before he goes "back" to jail, if he goes back, and part of me wants to keep him there because I think it will be harder to send him back if that is what happens. I know that he wants to get out, get a job, and look functional, but I don't know how much good that will do.

Today has been a bad day for me. I am having a hard time with everything. I never thought that I would hate being alone. I have always thrived alone, but now, all I want is for things to be the way they were. I am the type that would cut my losses and let him figure it out on his own. The point that I would normally call enough enough and leave has past, and for some reason I can't let him go. I don't know what it is this time. Maybe it is that the longer David is gone the more that Hayden asks for him. Hayden had a hard time even wanting to hear David's name a few weeks ago and now he is mad that Daddy isn't at the zoo and that we can't see Daddy at the doctor's office (what we called UNI) anymore. It is hard to see him not be able to understand, and now, eight weeks after daddy left mommy is working umpteen hours a day and he is sleeping more nights away from home than at home (and yes he is back in my bed when he is at home).

To David

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
You make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play

We - should have the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change

I, oh I,
I wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
As if we could last forever

Love remains the same
Love remains the same

My Next Thirty Years

OK~ So I have never been much of a country music fan. I actually only started listening to it when I was dating David, and even then it was only when I had too. Well, for some reason as I was driving home today my finger clicked to that little used preset button and on came country hits. Maybe I was feeling nostalgic, maybe I am missing David more than I give myself credit for, or maybe I wanted to hear people singing about how much their lives suck too...who knows. Well, as I was listening this song came on and I thought, gee, this is for me....


MY NEXT THIRTY YEARS
I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

A toddler

Tell me if this sounds like anyone you know?

The Toddler's Creed If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is folded, I must unfold it. If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed. If it has leaves, they must be picked. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is not trash, it must be thrown away. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled. If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table. If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon. If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead. If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried. If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone. If it is paper, it must be torn. If it has buttons, they must be pressed. If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon. If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth. If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force. If it is a phone, I must talk to it. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is food, it must not be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water. If it is a carseat, it must be protested with an arched back. If it is Mommy (or Daddy), it must be hugged. I am toddler! If I want it, it's mine. If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine. If I can take it away from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what. If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

Far From Here

It's sort of like "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", but it's just a little bit more insightful. Far from here we are happy. Away from all this disarray it is where we want to be, what we want to find...but it is there and the "there" in right where we are if we look hard enough. Clear out the clutter and throw open the curtains of your mind to let the light in. The light, the good, the pure, the peaceful. Pull yourself out of the here that has you so overwhelmed that you feel like there is no way out, tear a hole into the darkness and let some light shine. Far From Here, isn't that far away at all.



Fight hard on a night like this
Look for a star and wish
You could get out of it

Bite down and then pray, pray, pray
You'll make it through this to sing and say
You hold life dear

Moments turn to hours which become years...
And now I'm

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peacful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we've detangles
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

Rise high out of this whole scene
Look down and separate yourself
From your worst dream

Then fly far and then stay, stay, stay
Out of the way until the coast
Is clear and safe

Moments turn to hours that become years...
And now I'm


Oh, it's hard to imagine
The things that we survive
Will we understand it all
One day when we arrive?

Far from here, and we are happy
Far from here, we are all right
Far from here, things are peaceful
Far from here, we have insight
Far from here, we are laughing
Far from here, we are thankful
Far from here, we're forgiven
And for that we are grateful
Far from here, we've detangled
Our strangled hold
And I hope to see you there

I'll see you there

Three is so much worse than thirty...

Yes, you read that right. Three. Hayden turned three today. How in the world did I let that happen? I still call him my baby, he can't be three!!! But, he is and he is all grins about it. I have missed so much of his little life by having to work esp lately that it kills me to get to this point. I am bitter at David for sticking me in this situation where I have to miss things when he had promised me when we got married that I would never have to miss another moment of Hayden's life by working, unless I wanted to. What mother in her right mind wants her child raised by someone else? Granted I like the person doing the serrogate raising, but that isn't the point. I do not get to be there to send him off to school in the mornings this year, I do not get to pick him up, I don't even get to be there for his birthday spotlight at school. Really what good am I to him when I miss it all? When I can't be there when he wants to sleep at mommy's house? It kills me to have to tell him that mommy can't be there because she has to work or she has to go visit daddy in jail (since he is no longer at the doctor's). And how do I tell my three year old that even though he said please so nice he can't go with mommy to see daddy this time?

But even with all of this he still laughs at me. Yesterday we were laying in bed together (yes he is back in bed with mommy), and I asked him where Daddy would sleep when he got home (yes, I know it is an if, but this works). He thought about it for a minute and said,

"I dunno."
"Well, can he sleep in mommy's room?"
"Um, no. Hayden sleep in mommy's room. And mommy sleep in mommy's room. Daddy no sleep here."
"Well, can he sleep in Hayden's room?"
"No, mommy. (Sigh) That Hayden's room."
"Well then where can he sleep?"
"Downstairs...on green couch. Okay Mommy?!? Good, daddy sleep on green couch."

I started to laugh and then he started to laugh and we got up for the day. Today, he woke up, turned on the lights and started to giggle. Since I was "still asleep", he started to hush himself. Then he would giggle more. So I did what any mommy would do when she hasn't slept in weeks...I grabbed his toes and started tickling him, then I fell over "dead". He crept over to me and kissed me, I said up, he demanded that I die again, and he kissed me again and yelled "WAKE UP MOM-ME!" When Hayden is demanding something he always emphasizes each syllable of mommy, making into two words, its really cute.

Well I wanted to write more about him, and I have a letter for him, but it is 11:00 and I am tired. So I think I will go see if he is still in bed with his green playdough and maybe sleep alone in my bed. :)

Life goes on...

So, it turns out the best laid plans don't turn out sometimes. This is especially true when people don't think things all the way through. We had it all worked out, David would get discharged from the Community Treatment Center (CTP) after spending 7 weeks in various different psych hospitals and we would go together to meet the attorney I had found to help him with the pending charges. He talked to the staff last night and arranged for a ride home and things were fine. This morning I got a call from him saying that they wouldn't drive him home and he was raving about other random ways everyone had let him down. I was at work when he called me and after talking to my friend that works with me I called CTP and talked to the staff about picking him up and letting him bring me back to work and then he could make his appointments and all would be fine. I left work and drove to CTP. As I pulled into the parking lot there were 2 sheriff SUVs and I knew something was wrong and I knew it involved David. I went in to see the people I had talked to and was told that David was at the end of the hall talking with the psychiatrist and social workers. I asked if I could join them and they told me to wait. I was freaking out...I needed to go back to work and I didn't know what was going on. After a few moments the social worker came to talk to me. I guess (this is what the social worker told me), instead of waiting for the staff to figure out how to help him (they were going to let him stay until he met with his attorney and had to go to court) David figured he would call 911 and tell them he was suicidal...that way he would go to a hospital etc... and be fine. Well, what he didn't think about was the fact that when you call 911 the police show up and with 2 warrents out for his arrest he would be in trouble. To top that off the psychiatrist didn't fall for his temper tantrum and told that to the police. I waited outside for him to be taken out to the sheriff vehicals in hopes I could at least talk to him. As he was brought out he yelled, "Well, I guess I'll see you." at me and I asked the social worker to ask the sheriffs if I could speak to David. They were very nice and allowed me to meet with him outside the car (although one sheriff stood right there as I knew they would). David told me that the staff at CTP wouldn't listen to him and he did what he ahd to do. To the suprise of David and the sheriff, I told him that he didn't have to do that at all, he could have waited to talk to the people making the decisions or call me back, like he had said he would. I told him that this was a consequence of his rash choices and I would do what I could to get a hold of the attorney, but was making no promises. I asked if I could give him a hug goodbye and was granted my request...I appriciate the sheriff for that, that was well above and beyond what he had to do. After that I went back to work and tried to focus on other things. I hope that I can find out what time he will be at court and make it there so I can be there for him, but if not, it is his fault. I am certain the attorney would have made a time that worked for me to all go in together tomorrow...that was the plan, butI guess we will have to see. I am really glad that I have been meeting with my therapist, Molly, each week because I am finally learning some tools that actually keep me from needing so much therapy.

Well, I need to go to bed, I work at 5:45 a.m. YIKES!! Well, feel free to stop by the bakery and say hi. 33rd south and 30th east - northwest of REI back in the corner by the Flower box