Um I fixed it....We Survive

I love music. And when I find a song I esp love I have to track down the lyrics to see if I am really grasping it all, the message behind it. As I was reading one of Summer's blog posts a song called Wildfire came on the background of my blog. How appropriate that this song became the soundtrack to a post reminding me that there is more to life than what has gone wrong. More to life than what seems to be screaming out our insecurities, our failings, and our shortcomings. A post and a song that reminds me that "though I've been crushed, I've been killed I am scared, but God, I will keep on trudging up this crazy hill" and that "we survive." Always surviving.

Now, I just pasted these lyrics off the website so pardon the spelling errors, they aren't mine. But the song is Wildfire by Alissa Moreno and if you want to listen to the song while reading the words just scroll down and select it from the playlist.



every time you think you won't make it
and each time you're convinced
you can't take it
picture me in this light
think of me, you can fight
cause i've been chewed up and spit
i've been big, i've been hit
i've been burned but i have learned

that we survive, we get by
we take the hit and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires

when you get the feeling that's
not in you
and all those times remind you of what you can't do
remember me, i've lost and loved
and i am not giving up

though i've been torn, i've been used
i've been fooled, i've abused
all my rights to living, but i'm alive

'cause we survive, we get by
we take those hits and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out wildfires
don't you put out

Wildfires

let them come, i'm going to let them take me
let them burn up everything
that's made me
'til the end, i swear, i'm never going to let them break me

though i've been crushed, i've been killed
i am scared, but god, i will
keep on trudging up this crazy hill

we survive, we get by
we take those hits
and we learn to fight
we collide, but we don't die
trying to put out
don't you put out

when there's no doubt how it's going to turn out
let them burn out,
let them burn out
dont' you out
never put out

Wildfires

Thirty...

Wow. I actually never thought it would get here, or at least not this fast. I had so much that I wanted to accomplish before this point in my life, so much I had wanted to do. I wanted to have a degree by now, I think that is my biggest regret, letting that slide. It wouldn't have been that hard either. I only have 15 credits to finish. That is only 5 classes, and had I not dropped out because I was twitterpaited, I would be done with that by now. Looking back I really don't have much to show for 30 years, that is why I was dreading today coming.

Why is it so much easier to see what we didn't accomplish than what we did? I am trying to scrapbook a page of me for Hayden's book and am having issues finding anything worth telling him, besides how much I love him and that I would be lost without him. As he turns 3 and I have just turned 30 I thought he might want to know what mom thought of life as of now. Maybe I should wait until I have a better outlook on life and then write something for him. Who knows?!?

Then again maybe not.

Ok, so yet again I was out smarted by my son. The very next day, (yesterday at bedtime) after my wonderful broken bed plan, Hayden comes up to me and says,

"Mommy's Room?"
"Nope, mommy's bed is broken."
"Nnnnooope is not."
"Yes, it is. So Hayden needs to sleep in Hayden's room."
at this my son shows me his toy tool box and says,
"Nope, mommy's bed not broken. I fixed it, see."

So, how do I reply to this? I was lost for words. I told him again that he needed to sleep in his room and continued to get him into bed. I put him down for the night (or so I thought) and then went downstairs to watch some TV. On a commercial break I go up to check on him. His room is exactly how I left it; lights off, music on low, and the door propped open just a touch with his stuffed Rhino. All is clear on the western front it would appear, but yet in the still quite of his room something was missing. I couldn't put a finger on it for a moment and then it hit me. WHAM! I don't hear him snoring...what to do?!? Do I risk checking on him because it might wake him? But what if he is suffocating (ok, no it's not like I leave plastic bags in his bed or anything, so it wasn't a realistic thought but hey I am a mom so leave me alone)? So I pushed the door open a crack and peer into his bed, fully expecting to see his little body sleeping soundly. I was wrong (I hate being wrong), he wasn't there. He had snuck out of his room, propped the door again so I wouldn't notice, and gone down the hall and climed into my bed. He was sleeping soundly. And no, (as if there were a doubt) I did not wake him and march his little bum back to his bed, I just curled up next to him and went off to sleep. Where is he tonight you might ask???asleep, in MOMMY'S ROOM.

Mommy's broken bed.

How is it that children can sleep almost anywhere and in any position and it takes me hours to get comfortable enough to maybe fall asleep?

It has been weeks since Hayden has gone to bed in his room without a fight. Most nights I have just given in and let him sleep with me (since David isn't here) and now he thinks if he is "good" instead of "naughty" he gets to sleep in mommy's room.

Well, that isn't quite working well, since I don't want him to think that sleeping in his room is a punishment. It should be a good thing right? I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked. Today while he was at school I started to fold the mountain of laundry that has been piled up since shortly after David went into the hospital. The folded clothes covered my bed and I didn't have time to put them away before I had to go get Hayden. Well, that was my out...mommy's bed is broken...broken meaning it cannot be slept in for any number of reasons. And wow, a broken bed is all it took. He went right down in his bed. No fight, no tears, no "please mommy's room...I be good, no naughty." Those all break my heart and I tend to give in.

I think mommy's bed will be broken for a long time to come.

A little fall of rain...

So there I was, laying down on a little bridge looking at a waterfall when I looked over and saw this....Brittany's little glass ball, looking like a drop of water from one of the falls further down the walkway. Well I had to take the picture, I just couldn't resist. As I was about to take the picture Brittany almost pulled it out of position and as I called to her to stop I almost dropped my camera into the water (oops).

It is interesting to me what a different perspective on the world a little glass ball can give. What an eye for detail it has.

Tomorrow...

Ok, so I am a few days late. It's not like I am the only one, not to mention any names (SUMMER). LOL

Anyway. I have been living at the zoo for the past week. Almost literally, Hayden and I have been 3 times this week. He want to see the elephants, or so he tells me everyday. We never do spend much time looking at the elephants though...Monkeys and the train get most of our attention. But hey, its free with our pass so it isn't a big deal. We also are close enough to drop in and see David, who is now staying at the mental hospital "UNI". No nothing has been decided on that front, so don't ask, but at least he is a lot closer to home than the 3 weeks he spent in Idaho Falls.



Yesterday we went with Brittany (Mitney) and Tammy (her friend) to Cascade Springs. It was beautiful. I think we all would have had a better time if we weren't in the car for 2 hours getting there. Thankfully Tammy knew of a faster way home, that took only 45 mins. Hayden had a grand old time throwing leaves into the water and watching them drift away. I kept thinking he would fall in, but he never did. I hope to go back again soon, and leave the house sooner this time too, to get some better pictures, but the ones we did get were absolutly beautiful.

He's got the whole world in his hands

and me wrapped around that little finger of his.

I know I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I would post this and say I will write more tomorrow....Love everyone xoxo