Randomness

Don't ask me why I chose this picture, I have no clue.  I just like it.  I was driving through Southern Utah and saw it and said to myself, "Self that rock formation looks like a grumpy face you should take a picture of it." So I did.

Anyway, what a month this has been for my family yet again.  I hate it.  I can't stand the roller coaster my life has been on and it doesn't seem to be stopping anytime soon.  At least for now it seems to have plateaued for a while, sadly that is because David has once again found himself in jail and I don't have to deal with it all.  That sounds harsh I know, but the distance is giving me time to reflect and figure out where I want to go from here.  I haven't figured out where that is yet, but I will I am sure eventually.

People keep asking me what I want.  My answer of "I don't know" doesn't seem to satisfy them and they continue to give me their advice of what they would do if they were me.  I don't understand how advice like that works, because no one else is me nor have they been in this situation.  I do not ask their advice, they just offer it and hope I will take it (with the exception of certain people that reserve advice for when I ask for it - I love those people).  When/If I don't take their advice I get hounded and hounded to know why and to try to convince me that they know better than I do since they have never been in the situation and only know bits of what is really happening.  :)  I know their intent is good, but seriously I am 31 and can figure this out on my own (with the help of my highly skilled team of student therapists and their advisers at the U). 

Well, I guess I will update this again when I get things worked out.

Not what I had planned

This is not how I expected my life to turn out.  No where close.  It seems like the more that I do to better myself the worse things turn out.  Most everyone knows of my issues with David, it isn't a secret at all, but honestly I thought the worst was over and we were on the home stretch....at least until Wednesday and all the walls came tumbling down again.  We have both been stressed about things, and even though it was taking it's toll, we seemed to be fine....I guess I was wrong. One argument and my world is up side down....and it hasn't stopped there.  Everything seems to be snowballing faster than I can wrap my mind around.  I don't know what is going to happen or how it is all going to work out....but one day somehow it must.

Where has the year gone?

This year started off really hard for our family.  After being maliciously attacked by a family member (set on destroying others happiness at the time) I suffered a miscarriage.  I hadn't been trying to get pregnant at that point, I was on birth control because of the other things going on in my life, but still it happened and I was thrilled.  The thrill was short lived and I suffered it alone through the holiday season, not wanting to dampen anyone's joy.  It is amazing how one person's actions can cause a body so much stress it shuts down, completely.  Now I am not blaming my stress just on this one person, God knows my marriage hasn't been anything to write poetry about, but this was just the final straw.  I have tried to gather back the pieces of my faith in people and "let it go" not for their sake at all, but for mine.  And not because anyone else thinks I should, but because I am sick of living this way.  I have been in a therapy called IRT for almost 2 years now.  Intrapersonal reconstructive therapy.  It is in development up at the U of U and man do they make you work.  I have drudged up feelings and emotions long buried and figured out how "rules" I "learned" when I was younger are still determining my actions today.  No, I am not trying to say I am messed up because I had a crappy childhood or anything, I have just been on auto-pilot for years.   I have let things that go against my personal sense of integrity control my life because that is what I have always done. 

Well, now 1/4 way through the year things are taking another header.  I don't know what this means for my life, but I am glad I have some tools to help me figure out what and who I am and how I want to live. 

Putting it on a shelf and taking the upper road.

For my entire life I have been told to take things that bother me and put them in a jar and on the shelf....not to be dealt with later, but to ignore and then to "take the upper road" by "doing the right thing" in non-response.  But has anyone ever wondered what happens when the shelf is full, or the things on them are too heavy and the shelves crumble?  A person really can only handle so much, and there is only so much room to build shelves and only so much room on those shelves and when they are full, if you try to add more everything comes tumbling down at once.  Welcome to my life.  For me, I tend to have shelves for each person or situation I am dealing with....one for school and work, one for David, friends, and shelves for members of my family....sometimes they overlap when space is limited, but I really do try to keep them separate.  My biggest problem lies when I am trying to shelve crap from one person and haven't noticed that their shelf is full so....snap....the shelf breaks and it all comes crashing down.  Sometimes they think that I am crashing over the last little thing I am trying to shelf...that couldn't be farther from the truth, it is the accumulation of everything.

And so when a conflict does arise, and I feel threatened, hurt, betrayed, and angry I am supposed to take the upper road, and not my version of the upper road, the version someone else thinks is right.  Well honestly, who can tell me what is the "upper road" thing to do when they haven't been in my shoes?  How can someone say that it isn't the upper road to do what I can to protect myself and my family?  It has been called "retaliation" and "sinking down to their level" and frankly I don't get it.  People's actions have consequences and sometimes they hurt people they weren't intending to while hurting the people they were trying too....don't blame the target for the fallout is all I can say.

My shelf broke this week when I tried to add something tiny to it and the person that has always tried their best to hurt me, hurt those that helped her in the process and is blaming me for it....since natural consequences of their actions occurred I am accused of not taking the high road....really?  Maybe those people shouldn't have misused their positions thinking they would be safe....play with fire get burned end of story.

Hope Hiding

As most of you know this week has been crappy for me. I haven't really said why, except to close friends and family, and I won't except to close few. I am not perfect, I have never pretended to be and I am the first to admit my own faults. I don't try to minimize my own wrongdoings by making others look bad, it is childish and hateful, and I don't want to be consumed with those feelings. What has been said about, published about me, hurt me to the core. It seems the more I ignore it the more it shows up, but I guess that is my cross to bear. I have enough confidence in my friends and family that they will recognize the source and ignore it as it should be, but it hurts all the same. As I was struggling with the feelings I have felt over this, I clicked to read a friend's blog, I never got around to the reading of it because of the song that was playing in the background "Hope Hiding" by Michael McLean. Michael McLean is an LDS artist but you don't have to even believe in God to have his songs speak to you. It really is just a simple song...a simple song that can mean the world when you need to hear the words like I did. It is amazing to me how the answers come when you are ready to hear them. You can select this song from my playlist if you want to listen to it.

"Whatever you do don't look down, that's all the advice they can give.
But you keep looking down cause you think that's where everything is
Its harder to see things can change that night can be conquered at dawn
cause the darkness you feel is unbearably real and strong
Its just how it goes, no matter what you do, the way through the fog has been hidden from view

But around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair
There is hope hiding there.

You might think its strange hope would hide
it seems like a cowardly deed
but its saving it's power for your desperate hour of need
and all of that strength and good it can do awaits being found, safe and sound just for you

Around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair
There is hope hiding there.

And ears cannot hear it
and eyes cannot see
but hearts all draw near it if they choose to be

Around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair
yes around every corner though you're unaware
protected by Grace in the face of despair

THERE IS HOPE HIDING THERE"

Wow, it's been months since I blogged.

I just realized it had been forever since I had blogged. I have done a lot on facebook, but not here. Ooops. Well these last 6 months has been a trip, just as life should be.

Hayden, as always, has been the joy of my life. He is such a hoot. I love watching him grow up. He has turned into such a little man.

David and I are approaching the 2 year mark...wow the time does fly. Things are far from perfect, but if it were perfect wouldn't it be boring?

My parents are doing great. My dad has retired (although when I call he is somehow @ work...so I am confused) and they have taken a calling at the Draper Utah Temple. They love it.

Brandon and Summer (my brother and sister-in-law) are now on baby 5. Another boy. I am so excited for them. My niece Tarryn wanted a little sister so much, but this way she gets to stay the only princess of the family.

Brittany and Zane (my sister and brother-in-law) are just that. They have had some people move in and out of their home several times....but nothing new has really happened with them.

Scott (my other brother) is still living in Idaho for the time being. I believe he is planning on coming home soon, we will keep our fingers crossed...with all these boys (4 nephews and counting) we need another uncle to keep them occupied and with Tarryn quickly growing up and turning into a real beauty, Brandon will need help as bodygaurd.

I will get into more details soon...but I am tired this morning and my little brain refuses to function.

XOXO

Neighborhood Bliss.

I found this picture on a friend's FACEBOOK page after this little incident happened and think I need to buy one and hang it on my door.

People need to realize that if you live by people you will at times hear them or thier pets. If you don't want to be disturbed, live in the middle of nowhere.

Yes, I have dogs. Yes, they go outside. But I do not let them out when I am not home and as soon as they start barking I bring them inside. I know my neighbors have kids...we share a driveway after all. I know that when their kids are playing outside that it can become annoying to hear my dogs barking, but come on, calling the police? That is taking things a little far isn't it? But I am honestly not surprised. These are the same neighbors that I go to church with, and since August, when David had some issues, will not speak to us hardly at all. The same neighbors that take their kids inside if my son comes out to play and David is home. Most neighbors would just call me and ask me to bring them in because their kids are asleep and the windows are open, or let me know. But not these neighbors...these neighbors wait until my son has had his tonsils out and I am trying to tend to him, while he is screaming in pain (and no the screaming didn't help the pain and yes the windows were open so they knew I was dealing with something else) to call the police because my dogs are barking (Do you think I can call the police when their kids are screaming in the driveway and Hayden is napping?). Like I need anymore police called to my home. They know what is going on and they still try to rub in in that they are better than I am....like Sunday, the day after the police were called because my dog barked for 3 minutes before I could get to them, they said as I was outside playing with Hayden... "We missed you guys in church today." To which I replied..."well, since my dogs need time to play I stayed home to give them time where they wouldn't be a bother to you...and by the way, your mom almost got towed yesterday, but I ran over and had her move her car before she did." (I have since bought bark collars for my dogs, it is less expensive than a ticket for "Barking Nuisance) Then I smiled and went inside.