Oh to be 3

Hayden is your normal everyday three year old. He loves his trains, rocket, and Dora. He is a joy to be around, even when he does things like "crashing the car" making daddy have to go save him in his pjs :) (Glad daddy was home)

He does have his moments though. His new favorite thing to say is "stop takin to me!" He uses this when he is not getting his way or when he is upset and you ask him what is wrong or offer to help. Another new thing of his is to play like he can't/doesn't hear you. We were driving home from family dinner on Sunday and I was talking to Hayden who, wasn't responding. I looked in the mirror and he has this little grin and is look away with his eyes pretending he can't hear or see me. Everyday is full of new adventures with this one. I just hope I can keep up.

Marriage Protection

There are a lot of laws being proposed to "protect" marriage. Protect it from what? The laws want to protect it in such a way to make it just between a man and a woman. That is all fine and good. But what bout protecting the marriages that are already there? Divorce has become so easy in this day and age. File online, no-contest divorce, waive the reconciliation period etc. There are laws that make the destruction of marriage so simple. Almost takes the heartbreak out of it.

I am not saying that people shouldn't be able to get divorced. It is a choice and sometimes needed. In Utah, all that is required before divorce is ONE mediation/counseling session to see if things can be worked out. Do people get along for 1 hour and chose to get married? If not then why can they end it so quickly? I know a lot leads up to getting people to that point, the point where it is easier not to care, but shouldn't there be an all out last ditch effort to avoid it?

My marriage is crap. That isn't news to anyone that is reading this. I am not writing to blame either side for this, it does take two, but it is also supposed to be a relationship where both give 100% 99% of the time. Everyone has times where they need their partner to make up a little bit of the difference but the majority of the time it is even. I also realize that 100% is different for everyone, we all have our weaknesses and shortcomings, but we need to not use those as a reason to minimize what our 100% honestly is.

Yesterday Summer watched Hayden for me (yet again) while I did some stuff for church and went to yet another interview. On one of the many times I went to her house to pick up or drop off my son she told me about a movie she saw last week. The movie is called "Fireproof" and is a low budget christian film. She told me that she would watch Hayden "on the house" if I would go see it with David...I was upset at him at the moment and said that I might just go then, while he was at work, not realizing what the movie was all about. She kindly corrected me and said I should go with him and told me the movie was about a one late ditch effort, putting it all out there, to save the biggest promise of all. A man and his wife were wanting a divorce and his father asked him to put things off for 40 days and do a dare. The dare came in the form of a book called the "Love Dare" (which you can buy at Barnes and Noble) and would take the husband 40 days to complete. Granted he could only control his actions. His wife's choices were out of his control, but he needed to dive into this dare with all he had. The first few days he was in it 1/2 assed (pardon my french) and the rest is in the movie....go watch it.

I called David and we met up at Chili's for dinner. I ran to Barnes and Noble to get the book and a journal on my way, and he kept pestering me about what I bought. I didn't tell him anything more than a vague "a book." As we talked over dinner, I told him I was done. I couldn't keep living like this. It wasn't right and wasn't fair. HE needed to change and hadn't. HE kept lying to me. I got the same response I have received from him for the past year, "things will work out." We went to the movie.

I cried the whole way through. I hadn't just experienced the same frustrations, feelings, and temptations shown in the movie, I am in the middle of them all. At first he put his hand on my leg for "comfort" and gave me the "oh poor baby" look, but as the movie went on and I was crying more and withdrawing from him more because all the feelings were on my sleeve he held on tighter.

We got home and I kept the book in the bag and placed it under the bed. I was going to wait til today to start. I still feel he is the one that has harmed this relationship the most, but this isn't about him, it's about me. Well, I woke up this morning and the book wasn't in the bag. I looked everywhere. I finally found it on his nightstand.

We talked for a minute this morning before he went to work, he read a little bit of it. I asked him if he wanted me to get another copy because you are supposed to write your feelings each day in it...he laughed and asked "When have you known me to write down my feelings." I had a snide comment for him, but as Day 1 of the dare instructs....

Day One~ Say noting negative. If the temptation arises, say nothing at all. It is better to hold your tongue than to say something you will regret later.

So I did. I do not know if this will work. I actually don't have much faith in anything at the moment, but if nothing else, I am sure I will learn something new.

I think everyone should should read this book and try it. It can't hurt anything that is for sure.

Bail Out.

David was bailed out by his parents on Halloween night, and after a never-ending weekend apart, we got the no-contact orders removed the following Monday so David could come home.  We had court yesterday, and after waiting for 5 hours David's attorney finally showed up (the actual attorney was ill and had a replacement come in) and asked for a simple continuance.  During this process the Prosecution asked for the no-contact order to stand (guess someone forgot to tell both the judge and the prosecutor that it had been lifted by them) and we had to wait almost another hour to talk to the judge again to get it modified so David could be home.

Ok so I know this is a jumble, but I will write more later  :P

To wait or not to wait

So, David is in jail. It seems like he has been there forever somedays and the next day it seems like just yesterday. Well, now we need to decide if we wait it out until court or make bail. If we wait then all this time counts as time served if he gets sentenced to jail for a while...but we don't know what will happen. The attorney wants to try to get this into mental health court due to the situation, but all that does (according to what I have read in the UT law code) is send him to the state mental hospital until he is stable enough to finish a sentence in jail etc. So really, what good would that do since he spent 7ish weeks in a mental hospital before going to jail? I have no idea what to do. Part of me wants him out so we can spend some time together before he goes "back" to jail, if he goes back, and part of me wants to keep him there because I think it will be harder to send him back if that is what happens. I know that he wants to get out, get a job, and look functional, but I don't know how much good that will do.

Today has been a bad day for me. I am having a hard time with everything. I never thought that I would hate being alone. I have always thrived alone, but now, all I want is for things to be the way they were. I am the type that would cut my losses and let him figure it out on his own. The point that I would normally call enough enough and leave has past, and for some reason I can't let him go. I don't know what it is this time. Maybe it is that the longer David is gone the more that Hayden asks for him. Hayden had a hard time even wanting to hear David's name a few weeks ago and now he is mad that Daddy isn't at the zoo and that we can't see Daddy at the doctor's office (what we called UNI) anymore. It is hard to see him not be able to understand, and now, eight weeks after daddy left mommy is working umpteen hours a day and he is sleeping more nights away from home than at home (and yes he is back in my bed when he is at home).

To David

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
You make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play

We - should have the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
Too much time too long defending
You and I are done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
Everything will change

I, oh I,
I wish this could last forever
I, oh I,
As if we could last forever

Love remains the same
Love remains the same

My Next Thirty Years

OK~ So I have never been much of a country music fan. I actually only started listening to it when I was dating David, and even then it was only when I had too. Well, for some reason as I was driving home today my finger clicked to that little used preset button and on came country hits. Maybe I was feeling nostalgic, maybe I am missing David more than I give myself credit for, or maybe I wanted to hear people singing about how much their lives suck too...who knows. Well, as I was listening this song came on and I thought, gee, this is for me....


MY NEXT THIRTY YEARS
I think I’ll take a moment, celebrate my age
The ending of an era and the turning of a page
Now it’s time to focus in on where I go from here
Lord have mercy on my next thirty years

Hey my next thirty years I’m gonna have some fun
Try to forget about all the crazy things I’ve done
Maybe now I’ve conquered all my adolescent fears
And I’ll do it better in my next thirty years

My next thirty years I’m gonna settle all the scores
Cry a little less, laugh a little more
Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear
Figure out just what I’m doing here
In my next thirty years

Oh my next thirty years, I’m gonna watch my weight
Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late
Drink a little lemonade and not so many beers
Maybe I’ll remember my next thirty years

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life
Raise a little family and hang out with my wife
Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear
Make up for lost time here, in my next thirty years
In my next thirty years

A toddler

Tell me if this sounds like anyone you know?

The Toddler's Creed If it is on, I must turn it off. If it is off, I must turn it on. If it is folded, I must unfold it. If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled. If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared. If it is high, it must be reached. If it is shelved, it must be unshelved. If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed. If it has leaves, they must be picked. If it is plugged, it must be unplugged. If it is not trash, it must be thrown away. If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor. If it is closed, it must be opened. If it does not open, it must be screamed at. If it has drawers, they must be rifled. If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table. If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied. If it is empty, it will be more interesting full. If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon. If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead. If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon. If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried. If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone. If it is paper, it must be torn. If it has buttons, they must be pressed. If the volume is low, it must go high. If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor. If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon. If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth. If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force. If it is a phone, I must talk to it. If it is a bug, it must be swallowed. If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor. If it is not food, it must be tasted. If it is food, it must not be tasted. If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water. If it is a carseat, it must be protested with an arched back. If it is Mommy (or Daddy), it must be hugged. I am toddler! If I want it, it's mine. If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine. If I can take it away from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what. If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.