Let them be little.

3 Years ago I was still pregnant with Hayden. Wishing day after day that the time would fly by faster. That my due date would get here and I could get on with things. Why didn't I realize that time goes by too fast as it is? Hayden starts pre-school tomorrow. He is ready, but am I? I know I'm not. I cried on Friday when we went to meet his teacher. We walk in and he says to me,

"Bye mommy, go away, go home now."

No tears, no begging for me to stay or take him home with me. Not my son, no, he tells me that it is ok for me to leave. This wasn't what is was supposed to be like. Aren't I supposed to feel guilty leaving my son crying for me as I walk away?

What happened to my little boy? My binkie baby? Why didn't I realize that this day was so soon in April when I signed him up for this? What was I thinking? I should have said, "no, I won't send my baby to school. He is too little." But he isn't too little. He will be 3 in a few short weeks. As he stands now he is 40" and 35#. Hayden hasn't been my baby boy for quite some time. But now, now is different. Now he lets me know he isn't a baby any more.

"MOM!!! I went POOP. All by myself"
"Good job baby."
"No, mom. I not baby. I grandma's big guy.
Go to store and get train now, k?"

And he is right. He isn't a baby anymore, but he is my baby, my only baby. So what do I do now that my baby is grown up? Now that he doesn't have to have me help him go to the bathroom, get dressed all the way, or even buckle his seatbelt. For the past 3 years I have had to be there every minute. I have introduced myself as Hayden's mommy, that is what I am. That is all I know now and all that I want to know. I know that he isn't leaving the nest quite yet, but this is it. This is the first real marker of that. I know everyday prepares them for this day, but what prepares us? I know they say it gets easier with each one, but what about when this is the only one and you know you don't get to do this again? There is no learning curve. So as I look back on all the things I should have done to get him to this point but didn't because, when he started to get big I realized this was coming too soon, I froze and wanted my big guy to be little again. I rushed to have him grow up fast when he was itsy and now that when he did I stopped pushing because I wanted him to be my baby forever. I am hoping that tomorrow never comes and we can skip to tuesday and completely miss the first day of "I a big guy" forever since day two isn't quite as hard as day one. Can I skip it?

So those of you that have little ones that are on thier way to this dreaded wonderful step of their little lives, remember you only have such a little amount of time with them to be little, so as the song says,

"Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle, oh but let them be little."